I think my current problem is... My earlier bout of depression, when I called a hotline, I realized I really wanted to live and to change my life and I realized that it was the depression shielding me from hope.

This time around I think I've found myself in a pretty deep inescapable rut years before this depression relapse. I tried to take myself out of it. I haven't mentioned this but I quit my job a few years ago. Tried to work part time. Tried to develop other skills and/or find some other avenues of bringing myself some joy internally. I figured that it wasn't happening while I was working so I had to really challenge myself. It didn't work out and I ended up THANKFULLY back at my old job (the current one with the supportive boss and manager) after a year away. So at that point it was pretty clear that the things I wanted weren't available to me and my reanalysis of the things I wanted wasn't bringing me any new insight.

So now this depression hit triggered by something unrelated and I can see the depression crushing me and lying to me. But the lack of hope is something I can still see and remember as something from outside of this depression bubble. So I can fight this depression but I do not know what I am fighting for. One step at a time/one day at a time is hard to keep forging through when I don't really have a strong desire to emerge outside of the bubble into the life I have waiting for me there... And talk about changing that life is staggering... Doesn't fit the "one day at the time" mold... and, DUH, been there done that, unsuccessfully. I'm older with more health issues now, I have no reason to think that trying again would bring any success this time around and many reasons to think that it wouldn't, personal experience being the biggest in addition to practical considerations like physical health.