First, I hope it's OK to post in this thread because, while it's mainly about H, I'm looking for more input before bringing it up in marriage counseling this week. Last weekend, H was supposed to take part in a 5-day event a state away related to a hobby of his. It was something he was looking forward to. But it would also leave me mostly in charge of our 4.5-year-old daughter (DD) for that time. She's on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum and can be a bit of a challenge. And she's been particularly defiant lately. (Though I'm sure the challenge is partly due to her age, not just her diagnosis.) I've been having lots of anxiety issues lately, including panic attacks (this is coming off a depressive episode). Halfway through the 5 days, I had a really bad panic attack while at home with DD. Like, having trouble breathing, sobbing, etc., lasting for over a half hour. Freaking out about being in charge of her for the next 2.5 days. Texted T, who called me back and helped me figure out whether I should talk to H about cutting the event short.

Talked to H when he got home that night, and he agreed to be there just the morning of the last day, not the evening. Seemed OK with it, I was relieved. But then in marriage counseling a few days later, I asked him about it more, and he said it was frustrating that he had to cut the event short. Of course MC was all like, "Hey, it's good you were open with each other and you got through it, and now everything's great." But then I asked H about it again later, and he said it was really frustrating to him that I couldn't deal with DD for long stretches of time. (I tend to get stressed if she's off school a few days, etc.) Which made me feel kind of incompetent as a mother. Like I should be able to handle it.

A couple nights later, said I'd been thinking about it, and what if I had a chronic physical illness rather than a mental one. Used a friend's rheumatoid arthritis as an example, saying what if some days I was just in too much physical pain to handle DD all day. He said he'd be frustrated by that, too. And I was like, "But you wouldn't actually tell me, right? Because it wouldn't be something I could control or did on purpose?" And he said he probably would tell me, saying that he'd want to be honest and that it would be frustrating. I said that would really bother me, that it's not like I would tell DD that her ASD frustrated me, even if it did. And H said that was different, because it's a parent-child relationship. And that I'd said in counseling that I wanted him to be honest with me, and then he was, and I'm upset about it.

After stepping away a bit, I said it was hard knowing he was frustrated, because I'm already upset with myself and feel bad that he has to put up with me. Knowing he feels that way makes me want to hide more of my anxiety from him. And makes me reluctant to ask for help when I need it. I said that I wanted understanding and compassion from him, like for him to understand that it's not like I want to be this way, for him to feel bad that I'm struggling. And he said he did, but that it was still frustrating. And that it's normal for people to get frustrated.

Then I was just kind of teary. Basically, I just feel like a burden. And an incompetent mother (even though I love DD dearly and go to great lengths for her, including research on things to help her ASD, holding off on going back to work full-time so I can go to speech therapy with her and be there when she gets off the bus, etc.). It's not like I'm not trying to get better--I see my T weekly, my p-doc every few weeks (though not sure how much meds are helping), and we see MC weekly.

What also scares me is what if I do end up with a chronic (or acute) physical health condition? Will he be like, "Gees, your cancer really frustrates me. I mean, you have no energy because of the chemo, and that's really annoying." I mean, do people actually say that type of stuff to people they love with chronic illnesses, whether mental or physical?

I think I just worry about bringing this up in marriage counseling and being shot down. Partly because I know MC's wife has a chronic health condition. From what I know of him, I really can't believe he'd ever say to her face that he found her health issues frustrating, even if he felt that way. Yet there's part of me that's afraid he'll agree with H. Or that he'll praise H for how much he's been there for me. Which will just make me feel worse. MC also has anxiety issues, so in some ways I think he understands. Plus I think there's a bit of countertransference of some sort--likely paternal, since he has a daughter who's also had anxiety issues--but I think he sometimes almost overcorrects for that, like tries so hard not to seem like he could be siding with me, that he overpraises H. Which makes me feel bad (because even though it's not what he's saying, it makes me feel like, "wow, H is so great. He's such a saint for putting up with you!") Because although MC has been incredibly supportive of me individually (including with the transference stuff), both within joint sessions and in some individual phone calls/texts/e-mails, I don't think he's ever in session emphasized how great a wife I'm being or anything. So I don't want to be walking into a situation where I'm going to try to say why I'm upset, only for him to be like, "Yeah, H is right!" or something.

Ugh, this is ridiculously long. So here's what I'm looking for insight on: I get that H is frustrated with me. I know--I can be annoying to live with. But is it wrong for me to expect him to generally keep that frustration to himself? When it deals with mental illnesses that I'd of course rather not have? Because the thing is, the way I am, I do generally keep frustration and anger (at him, DD< or anyone) inside. And maybe I'm just weird, and most couples are like, "Gees, it's so frustrating you're diabetic!" or "Ugh, I hate that you're bipolar!" to each other.

Thanks for reading.