My father is nearing the end of his alcoholism. He is only 58 but he is dying. He has 2 teeth left and is basically starving to death. He is severely depressed and is not eating. He drinks from the moment he wakes up until he passes out. He was extremely bloated and slightly overweight from the booze, but now he has lost all the weight and is thin as a rail except for his protruding stomach. I don't know how much longer his body will last.

My brother and I are both in recovery. Due to violence and another brother that is insane, we had to remove ourselves from the situation in order to preserve our own safety and sanity. I am dealing with it fairly well, but my brother is struggling. He feels as if he has abandoned my father to die--he is taking on the responsibility for my father and is blaming himself for not helping my father. I have had long conversations with him--trying to help him see that my father has a disease--that the disease has taken over his life and we can not force him to stop drinking. Even if the drinking is killing him. We can't help him until he decides he wants to be helped...in no way whatsoever are we responsible for his alcoholism or his situation in life or his eventual death. Ultimately, my father has to make the choice--we can't do it for him.

Also, we can't put ourselves in danger--we have to take care of us if we ever want to be there to help him (if he ever decides to stop drinking). I have seen my father once in 10 years. I have not abandoned him--I keep him in my heart--I carry him with me. I am taking care of me--I am keeping myself sane--I can't live in that type of violence and suffer the abuse. A part of me believes that my father wants me to be happy--that he wants the best for me--that he would want me to take care of myself. Although I have suffered abuse from him, deep in his heart he does not want me to hurt. After all, he is my father and the love for your children is special. He is a very sick person--it is the alcohol that makes him do the bad things--he is not evil--he is sick.

I believe that my father loves me. He is just unable to show it. I have forgiven him for the abuse, but my brother still holds a tremendous amount of anger about how we were and continue to be treated by my father. On one hand my brother is angry with him but on the other hand he loves him and it is tearing him apart that he can not help my father.

My father basically has nothing--he is living in poverty--he is facing jail for fraud. He is absolutely miserable. Sometimes I think that the only thing that keeps him going is the thought of his next drink--the illusion that it will somehow make things better. Even though it is just forcing him deeper and deeper into misery.

My brother and I are my fathers legacy. We honor him by growing into good, respectful members of society. We have overcome severe abuse, broken the cycle of poverty and violence...we are successful, well rounded adults. If my father was not blinded by alcohol, he would be proud of us.

I am really worried about my brother. I worry about the toll this is taking on his sobriety--my biggest fear is that he will relapse. My other fear is that he will live his life with the heavy weight of guilt for something he has no control over. My father has taken our childhood from us--he has scarred us and given the opportunity would continue to abuse us. He has stolen the joy out of our childhood and I fear he is going to suck the happiness out of my brothers adult life. This makes me want to scream. It frustrates me, angers me...saddens me. I love my brother and I want him to finally enjoy his life--to find some peace. His life has been hell, he deserves better. I just wish he believed that he deserves better--that he deserves to be happy--he has paid his dues--it is time for him to find peace.

If I had one wish in the world, it would be that my brother learned to love himself and to come to terms with this so he can enjoy what is left of his life. He has suffered too long. Alcoholism has stolen so much from him--it does not seem fair that he should suffer so much. I hate alcoholism--I hate what it does to people's lives--the intense pain it causes--the absolute misery it leads to.

Tonight my heart is heavy. My brother has an adorable little boy inside him that needs to be let out--that needs to finally heal. Peace, the boy needs to find peace. He deserves to be happy.