yeah, especially when your faith is already shaken :/
of course they didnt realize that and i guess they all were just trying to help...

to them i guess i look like a party guy, alcoholic, drug user, i dunno...
i have long hair so you know all of the judgements i have taken because of that, some people even say im gay because of it, but i dont care anymore, they are ignorant...

i have long hair because i dont want to cut it, been growing it since atleast 13 years old so why would i change now? it gives me something to play with when im anxious

the jist of what happened was i just decided to go to church a last time to try to see if there was any reason for me to continue on the path...
sitting in the pew listening quietly finally the pastor decides to go off of routine and call people to the altar to be saved or whatever, i have of course been to the altar before and have been "saved" many times ... so i was just sitting there and someone called me there, like told me to come up there, i was like omg what? you cant tell me to go there! i didn't want to get up but clearly everyone around me started pressuring me to go, i guess they all thought i was a drug addict that needed dire help so anyway i went and was just telling god i want to get out of there and go home because i probably wont be coming back because of things like this - and i dunno how many people came around me but it felt like the whole church was standing behind me as i was knelt down and all i heard was alot of whispering prayers o whatever... and i felt someones hand touch my left shoulder/back and almost imediately my body was filled with some energy, my heart started skipping beats and fluttering and i was extremely nervous and wanted it to stop, clearly it went on for several minutes - it wasnt a panic attack, and i have no clue what those people were praying about, as i said it seemed like everyone thought i was some kind of drug addict, all i know is i was not comfortable with whatever that feeling was and whatever people were praying about because none of them knew me or my personal relationship with god - and for calling me out to go to the altar - as you aren't supposed to do that, its up to the individual to decide

after what felt like an hour of this heart fluctuations it finally ended - i didnt really receive any answers, as i never have, just that i cant trust anyone because i dont know what someone is going to do and what powers they may have to influence my body

i have a deep personal spiritual relationship - ever since then i am not christian, i am not religious, i just have my own personal relationship with my creator, i dont talk about it, i dont share my feelings about things or religion, i just allow everyone to make their own decisions and hope that everyone respects mine - which most of the time clearly they dont, they just automatically assume that i am wrong and they are right and they have this god given mission to save me from whatever it is they think is wrong with me

most people don't know the real me because i have to wear so many masks, i dont know what i look like to people anymore, maybe i do look like those things, but on the inside i am something much more... evolved... i try to believe that god is with me, but the longer i suffer with these ailments the less i feel in his grace - so ultimately im just giving up... whats the use

i have never felt such a strange feeling in my heart though, i dont know what that person did to me

i hope you all have a good day and enjoy this easter
have some chocolate