Well, I have been nabbed...LOL

Saw my therapist yesterday. I told him on a scale of 1 to 10; (10 being worst) my depression was a 2. After 40 minutes he said he found my 2 hard to believe. I said, why because I am so flat and lack any emotion at all...his reply...yes! Needless to say it was one of those sessions that was mostly me being silent and him looking at me with puzzlement on his face.

It is true, I lack everything these days. I just roll along with no goals or emotion. Why bother, there is nothing I can do about anything, so why bother?

I arrive two hours before I need to be somewhere, have to wait 30 minutes longer than I would like to wait to be picked up. I have to patiently ask my neighbor and my daughter about the weekend. Right now I need a box to mail a care package to my son in Iraq. So, I need one of them to take me on Saturday...tomorrow...to get a box. I could be using all that time in better ways, but no, I have to reply on county para-transit and bend to their availability. Yes, I do very much appreciate that I even have them to get rides from, but I do wish they were a bit more flexible. A complaint...I have complained about something. I think this is a good thing.

I did have a good friend tell me this past week by email that she could see that I have a hard time trusting anyone. This is very true...anyone! And, that I don't know how to relax...this is true too. Relaxing means I am vulnerable and I don't do trust or vulnerability at all!! I keep my shields raised at all times.

I have to find a way to resolve these issues. Did talk to my therapist about them yesterday...will make headway one of these days I suppose. Also, talked about my anxiety which is bad, and has been for a while. Haven't talked about this issue since the last time I almost hyperventilated in his office...months ago. I was talking about my fear of my son before a trip to Washington State to visit my son before he left for Iraq.

Pain between my shoulder blades...facial tichs...shallow breathing...classic symptoms. I have started taking an Ativan before bed, which my second dose of 150mg of Effexor. Sure sleep like a stone!!

Just rambling,
Carolyn