Quote:
Originally Posted by lolagrace
For me, real change only happened when I told myself "Enough was enough." I made a commitment to myself that I would absolutely do whatever it took to reverse that negative path I was on (I literally did this one day; it was a clear moment in time that I wish I had actually marked on my calendar -- it was that deliberate for me). No one could do that for me -- like you already know. But that also meant I had to actively fight against doing harmful things to myself. I did have that ability, but I had chosen not to use that ability through my whole life. When I said "Enough is enough," that meant I was committing to do the healthy thing rather than the self destructive thing from that point onward. That took active choice and a constant daily, heck hourly, battle against that destructive me.
Yes, that sounds like that "willpower" thing you say doesn't work maybe, but it was MUCH more than sheer willpower. It was a true commitment to think before I act, to admit to myself that I have a choice and to choose the paths that were life-saving rather than life-draining. It was an admission to myself that I had power (which for me was a huge realization) and had used it against myself long enough; I was going to use my power now to advocate for my life. You see, I spent my whole life believing I was broken and that life was just happening to me, that I had no control over all the negative things right now in my life. When I finally realized that yes, I did not have control when I was a child, but I am no longer a child -- I DO have power and control and choice now and as an ADULT no one is doing this to me now but myself -- it was a very frightening yet freeing realization.
It was at that point that I finally chose to commit to actually using the skills those therapists had been teaching me. It was at that point that I finally chose to do the healthy thing rather than the self-destructive thing. It was at that point that I finally chose to live instead of die -- I took suicide and self-destruction off my option list. It was amazingly freeing to not allow self-destruction as an option; I had been a slave to that self-destruction for 40 years, but it also meant I HAD to stop and choose differently -- each and every single time.
I hope that you won't wait 40 years to discover and own your power -- your power of choice. It isn't just sheer willpower -- that's WAY over-simplifying and invalidating. It IS the power of self-advocacy and the power of autonomy (self-governance; self-rule). I remember my therapist telling me, very early on, that the one thing he wanted for me was to recognize my autonomy. While I understood the meaning of the word cognitively, I didn't really understand what he meant internally. Understanding my own autonomy -- my power to choose as the adult I am -- was ultimately what healed and saved me.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...esire-autonomy |
Thank you Lolagrace, I appreciate your thoughtful response and I am very pleased that you had that moment in your life that set you on a different path and I hope that means things are a little better for you now.
But it is exactly that "enough is enough" that is my issue. That is the root of the problem I've written about. I'm sure that every single day before you made that decision that "enough is enough" you wanted to be in less pain, to not self-destruct - so what was it about that particular day or what brought you to that point to realise you 'have the power'? That is what I need help with - implementing, doing, deciding. I absolutely understand and agree that only I can make this decision to change and follow through on it and I realise it is an uphill battle that will involve a heck of a lot of my own willpower (which I have in the bucketful hence the extreme self destruction one way and the striving forward positively in the other). To look at, I make no sense. Most people do not realise I'm struggling and those that do, it takes quite a while for them to realise how much.
I'll admit to you that I don't get the autonomy/power aspect of your post. If you have the time and are willing, I'd appreciate it if you broke that down for me more slowly. I do not want to be powerful - that is my biggest fear - why would I want to be powerful? Power means separation to me. I fear that giving up self destruction means I will die...which I know that sounds bizarre because physically I'm 'dying' now but without self destruction all the doors, walls, and everything that keeps me together will crumble.
I have the power of choice and clearly I'm choosing self-destruction. This is what I don't understand and makes me so very sad. This is what I need help with. I don't want to do this anymore but do I beat myself up in a different way to stop the self destruction? Because obviously I'm getting something positive out of it... I wouldn't say it was kindness, but there is something caring about hurting myself...if that can make any sense.
I feel as though I'm missing something stark and obvious in what you and others have written. It is as though something is staring at me in the face and I still cannot see it.