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Originally Posted by Echos Myron
Sorry to hear things are so tough right now Lonesome. I think the situation you describe is difficult and complicated, and one thing that strikes me is that it might be important to have a discussion with H in MC around boundaries which strike a balance between emotional honesty and speaking considerately to one another.
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Thanks, Echos. I know part of the issue is the difference in our childhood experiences. My parents very rarely expressed anger at me or each other--if they did, it was a huge deal. My mom (and dad, I guess) also tend to keep any negative emotions inside. So sometimes I wouldn't know if they were actually upset with me (or each other). Which leads me to worry that people close to me are upset with me but not saying anything. Meanwhile, H's parents fought quite often and also yelled at H and his sister. So H sees that as normal. So to him, if no one is saying something, everything is fine, I guess.
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It really sounds like your H lacked tact, though I can understand from his point of view that you might have expected honesty from him in counselling. I'm wondering if MC might be able to offer him (or you both) any practical skills for managing openness without hurting each other's feelings.
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Yeah, H did actually say that, how I wanted him to be honest, so he was, and now I'm upset with him for being honest. I think what I wanted was for him to honestly not be bothered by it... and to feel compassionate for me in general for having to deal with the anxiety, depression, etc. Where instead, it seems like I feel bad that he has to deal with it and *he* also feels bad that he has to deal with it... Whereas, I'd want it to be more like, I feel bad that he has to deal with me, and he might feel a bit bad about that, but would feel worse that I had to deal with anxiety and depression. Because, it's not like I choose to be this way!
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I would also have a conversation with MC (whether with or without H present) regarding what you described here as MC overcompensating and praising H more than you. I think it's important to make your feelings heard about that because MC might not even be aware he's doing it, and it ought to be flagged up before it becomes an unhealthy/negative reenforcement pattern or H starts using it as ammunition (again that could all happen subconsciously).
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That's something that I've considered, too. I think in some past post, I said how it's like MC tries to build me up to me, like make me realize that I'm stronger than I think, that I don't need to be a perfect parent, that I'm not "a mess," etc. But then it's also like he tries to build H up to me--and I guess make H feel good about how he's handling things. I think that's due to a couple factors. One being the whole transference thing, which H knows about. MC is trying to share his own failings and shortcomings to make me realize he's definitely not some ideal husband and father. And then is trying to build H up to me, to show me that H really cares and is there for me, so it's safe to rely on and trust him.
Plus, because MC has been supportive of me outside of sessions--and also within sessions, like with MC being very empathic toward me with his voice, eyes, body language, etc. (which is all stuff that H claims he learned in "therapy school" and none of it is natural or like a sign he genuinely cares. To which I've said that I think at least some of it is genuine, and that if he could learn to act in a way that makes me feel heard and understood, so could H.) MC probably is trying to avoid looking any more biased toward me, so he's overcompensating by how he's acting about H. And I think in general he's trying to be as balanced as possible. There have been a few things I've told T about that MC has said in our sessions, and she's been like, "He said that? Why did he say that?" (Like one maybe a year ago where he said so what if maybe H didn't have empathy? Even though he thought he did.)
So maybe I'll see how tomorrow's session goes, and if it starts seeming like MC is falling into praising H mode, I'll either say something then or e-mail (or text or call) him about it afterward. Because right now, I feel like I'm going in there tomorrow expecting that to happen, and that's no good.
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I just want to reassure you about your daughter - please remember that a good parent is not one that can always cope and always gets things right (no such person exists!) A good parent is one who recognises when they are not coping and seeks appropriate help to minimise the impact to their child. That is something you are very good at, and that is admirable and courageous. It would be a shame if that skill was negatively impacted by H's disappointment and frustration.
I hope you're both able to use this as an opportunity to further constructive communication in the relationship and with MC 
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MC has talked before about being "the good enough parent," because no one is going to be the perfect parent. Thanks for what you said about my realizing when I'm not coping and trying to not take that out on DD. I'm also a very empathic person, and it's hard for me to see him yell at her or grab her in a way that seems too forceful (even if it may just be my skewed perception), because I feel bad for her, even if she doesn't really understand. He said something really awful to her a couple weeks ago when he was mad at her (a threat), and MC even seemed slightly taken aback by it (I was relieved he didn't say "Oh, I've said almost the same thing to my kids before!"). He said H was at a 9.5/10 on anger scale, but for me to ever say something like that, I'd have to be at a 30 out of 10. Which made some sense (though it still bothered me). Yet MC said the fact that she was still hugging him and wanting to be with him was a sign that it hadn't negatively affected her (which doesn't ring true to me because, I mean, don't kids often seek affection the most from the ones who aren't giving it to them?)