Thank you all for this much needed support. I find it comforting that people can relate to my pain. At this point I am having alot of trouble focusing and thought things you said in your posts that I wanted to comment about but this is not my most coherent moment.

I got in my car and headed to town thinking I would run by the pharmacy and perhaps stop by the outpatient group therapy group to talk to the manager about why my attendance has been bad lately as a result of worsening in my condition and see if I could restart the therapy but I don't know if that is what I want. Some of the education is good and 2 of the 3 therapists are competent but sometimes I think they give me bad advice. Like telling me why don't I just get a new house? Sure dude right as soon as I hit the lottery?!! And telling me I should kick my son out because he is now 18 and sometimes difficult to live with. My son makes me crazy and certainly there are moments I would like to lock him in the closet but I love him dearly and even though I am ready for him to leave HE is not quite ready to be totally responsible for himself.

But anyway I skipped the group therapy chic and instead drove to my private therapist's office asking to move up my appt and I guess I looked bad because she saw me today. She said that she has thought I was depressed for ~ 3 months now and told me to call my doctor and discuss an antidepressant. I have been off antidepressants since May 2005 and have not been depressed until June this year. So as soon as I can compose a coherent message I am going to e-mail my doc and discuss options.

My therapist also suggested that I might go to the health department and ask for help in cleaning my house as it definitely is a health hazard (we're talking broken glass on the floor that I just throw a pizza box over to walk on). This is somewhat confusing to me as my private therapist has been telling me for awhile that I need help, why doesn't somebody help, why don't I have a case manager, et cetera but I got no response when I asked my doc if I could benefit from a case manager and the therapists at the group therapy have been telling me I don't need, help, I can do it myself, I am high functioning. ?? Well no I didn't get stupid when I became mentally ill but I don't quite see what they see in me as high functioning.

I have cried much today but I did have to LOL at Tishie's husband comment that perhaps I should start small and just clean the sugar bowl. Yes, it would be nice to not have cobwebs in my coffee tomorrow.