I like what Mouse said about how we don't always realize it's happening until further on. That while we're busy searching, trying to make it happen, it already is.

I think part of the problem here is that hindsight is 20/20. We have a tendency to look back on our life through a 'memoir' filter instead of an 'autobiography' one, if that makes any sense. It's natural to sort of shove confusing, hard, and difficult things into frameworks that make for better and more sensible stories--as in, 'one day I just woke up and realized X and that's when change began.' In my experience change is rarely linear like that. You backslide, you start small, it doesn't even feel like you're starting at all until you're already halfway through.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time and I really hope you find a solution that works for you. I understand your frustration.

The only thing I really found helpful was breaking 'change' into smaller chunks. I had this desperate idea that I had to 'get my **** together,' which usually ended with me berating myself for not having my **** together, and so it was difficult to figure out what I even meant by that or how to start. If I had to look back, with my Memoir filter, and pinpoint a moment 'change' began to happen, it would be when I began to stop hating myself so much. It's really hard to do anything when everything leads to self-hatred and self-blame. Once I stopped hating myself so much, I was able to take a more objective look at my life and pinpoint small, specific changes I wanted to make, instead of just holding myself to some vague and imaginary standard of 'having my **** together.'

And then what? I guess you just do it. I don't think there's a secret except that it's easier to change--easier to do anything--when your goals are realistic and you're not bogged down by feeling bad about yourself. I see a lot of hatred and self-blame in your post, and I hope you find some way to be kinder to yourself and love yourself more.