I have been thinking for a long time to talk to a therapist. I contacted three different therapists, but all of them had no time. I had to put myself up on waiting list, but I didnt do that. Sometimes I lack motivation and then it slips my mind and nothing gets done. Sometimes I think a therapist cant help me. I read others say they have gotten help so it must be just me who think I cant be helped. Sometimes it feels better to not bring pain up and avoid talking about it. Maybe I should try give it a chance again, to talk to a therapist. Because the trauma I did go through down there with his sister and all that happened has left hurt in me.

Maybe he is capable of rape. I know it wasnt decent what he did. I am thinking some can change and grow. Maybe its wishful thinking as I wish he now would care for me. I dont want to think about what he did, I want to push it aside. I wish I now would get care and love from him. I feel very vulnerable and I am actually scared he will leave my life again. Maybe I am sick who wants to be with him and see him. If he left my life I would feel one more loss, the biggest except for my brother and mother.