First of all- thank you all for answering. It makes me feel less alone. I always feel like an Alien, because, "depression" surely is a topic that you can here about in the media from time to time, but the way it is described in there: You may be depressed for one or two years in your life, but that's it. Since I am depressed for much longer, this image put a feeling of hopelessness and loneliness on me: even among depressives I'm a freak.
Hm, some of you have written you felt depressed on and of from childhood on. I certainly can relate to that. I have memories going back to when I was moving in with my parents in a new house, and I know we moved there when I was three years old. And these memories I have are ridden with a deep sense of emotional pain, self hatred and guilt.
But, I couldn't say wether I was depressed in the common sense as a child, because as a child, it was like the deep pain I am feeling now was already there, but I could put it in a drawer, lock it away in my mind, and be happy in some kind of way. (does this make sense??).
@ Dave wow, do you agree on the diagnosis? My official diagnosis-thingy is AvPD which I agree upon, but I identify as DPD a lot. Hm, I think one of the major conflicts of my life is feeling to be a helpless, inept person. If I accomplish something, I will think it has been a simple task, bc if it was not, I could not have done it. Therefore it's nothing to be proud of. And all the things I don't do because I think I am not capable to- it makes me feel inferior that my decision to do something or not is based on how much I fear to fail with it, and not on how much I wish to accomplish a certain thing. Also, sense of general ineptitiude makes my life very spartanic, because of all the things I keep avoiding to try bc "I can't do it anyway...." I wish there was a forum for Depressive PD. I was searching for something likewise across the internet, but since it has been taken from the DSM, it seems to be forgotten.
Anyway, thank y'all again for answering and sharing.