sounds like you ve taken some very good and important steps yoda. could you maybe write out a list of exactly what help you want from your doc when you see her/him so you can be sure s/he gives you an answer on everything when you get there?
i really agree with the idea of starting getting control of your house by cleaning the sugar bowl though!
good luck and well done. keep at it and you will get there!
biiv

edited to add: i just discovered the second page on this thread. duh. im so sorry things are so bad that you are having these thoughts. whether or not you re seriously considering suicide even the fact the thought pops into your head means you really do need as much help as you can get. please keep safe and be brave enough to ask for help when you need it. you deserve it!