The rest of the title should be "but I feel depressed instead of happy." We spent too long on my not knowing in my body where I want her chair. I said my mind wants you closer but my body doesn't. She said it's important. I said I don't know. I'm nervous now but I won't be after I start talking. So she replied that it could be easier to talk if she's sitting the right distance from me, that some people like her chair close to her toes, while some like her practically out of the office! I think I want her very close but I get too anxious then.

Then I got a phone call from a friend who drives me nuts. I let T hear on speaker phone for a minute so she could see my anger. That may have been productive, a little.

Finally, I talked about her saying that she has to be careful with me regarding boundaries. But she said I should forget she said that because I was getting upset. She says she is not deliberately being careful with me! The way we are now is okay with her, but she thought I'm afraid of her changing. It's not exactly that. I'm afraid it's not all right to feel the way I do for her. I said I want it to be okay to love her, so she said it IS, and then she said, "I love you, Rainbow." We had already hugged, so I said "can I have another hug" and just hugged her again. I reminded her that 5 years ago with me she said "love is for my family and close friends". She said "I changed. Can't I change too?" I agreed that she could.

There was more about her telling me I only know a little about her, that her friends know more. She didn't SAY it exactly that way but I felt it that way. So I said, but I think I know a lot about you, and my first T said the fact that we are not friends doesn't make it LESS, but just DIFFERENT. My T said she liked what that T told me.

I wanted to talk more about the anatomy/sex stuff but there wasn't time. I had to choose and everything else took the whole hour.

I trust my T. I asked if she plans what she tells me and what she doesn't, and she does not. We are fine, she says. I'm not crossing boundaries, I'm not obsessing. Therapy is about me, though. Maybe that's what is bothering me. I will never know all I want about her. I didn't talk about why I want to know this time. There's still something bothering me but I don't know what it is! Maybe just the fact that T is my T, not my mother or friend or partner. But she loves me. I don't know why that makes me uneasy. Why do you love me, T? She said she loves her work!! I'm her work, but I know she means it when she says she loves me.

The above is all stream of consciousness as I always write after a session. Last session I felt a high; this time middle to low. It's usually like that.