elevated soul,

First, thanks for your reply. It seems to be, as you suggest, something that you must experience to understand. In re the photos and notes that these girls posted: they weren't bragging at all. Just sharing their pain. And by the types of photos they posted their eating disorders were obvious. Since the majority of the messages began with "Warning! Triggers!" it's obvious that this type of sharing is a kind of obsessive self-harm pornography.

I dounderstand your comparison to getting high. I'm such a pitiful lightweight when it comes to non-prescription drugs, though! And I've only been drunk from alcohol two or three times. But I've been high from dilaudid twice and if I knew of any street drug that could take me into such a calming, peaceful, outside of myself place, I'm sure that I would try it.

And I really understand – I think – the satisfaction(?) that must come from gaining control over your pain. When I am in that depth of the ocean that has never seen sunlight I am so very out of control and that brings on the fear. And I think that it can be aptly described as a fear of losing control – forever. Just once in the past 2-4 weeks (my memory hasn't been working too well lately) I've actually lost it. Control, my mind, whatever. If I had a practice such as cutting, controlling and coping by exchanging soulful agony for physical, I'm certain that I would become addicted to the release.

I'm the same as you when it comes to meditation. I don't know if I put too much thought into it or if I'm unable to let go, but I just can't get there. I know that contemplative/meditative states are real and that they can be learned and I've come so very close, in prayer, but I get to a point where it seems as if the car is going to go off the cliff and I slam on the brakes.

Dawa: God knows that I wish that I could find relief in physical activities to soothe my mental anguish. It's odd to think it now, but I used to be athletic. Fit, but not cut. A long bike ride or run was so calming. Three days a week at the gym with Saturday or Sunday at the park in one team sport or another. Now I can't take a hot bath, I have to settle for a shower and can't even shower whenever I'd like now – I slip into a paranoid delusion that there are policemen beyond the shower curtain that mean me harm. I keep repeating that it's not real but I continue to hear them.

elevated, I think that in reading those posts and seeing those pictures caused me a sadness for others that I've not had in a long while. Even when I was close to your age, everything was great. Everything was on track, life was fun, work was great, relationships were flexible, no worries. To see those 14-19 year old girls talk of being fat and their love of bones, thigh gaps, etc. just made me feel so sad for them. They've just begun life.

Now I'm getting morose. I need to eat something.