<blockquote>I'm reminded of a poem...
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The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
© Oriah Mountain Dreamer</font></center></blockquote></blockquote>
I'm inclined to think that a therapeutic relationship "should" be supportive. That means that you set the pace, you develop the direction and the therapist, ideally, supports you in going where you want/need to go.
I think you should trust your guts on this -- you're sensing hesitation on the part of your therapist and feeling some disconnection (i.e., he couldn't identify that your shaking was due to the release of emotion, not because you were cold.) In turn, this brings up hesitation in you. You wonder, is it "safe" for me to go here with this person? Can they handle it? Will I empty my guts only to discover I'm on my own with my guts spilled out all over the place?
Often, there is a great deal of shame and self-loathing attached to traumatic experience as well so it's vitally important that we choose carefully in terms of who we spill our guts to. Whoever they are, they have to be someone that we feel can "still respect us in the morning".
Somewhere in this forum I read an account of a woman whose therapist took her in her arms at some point during a difficult session and just held her. Therapists are not supposed to do this, of course, but being held and loved was exactly what she needed in that moment. I thought her therapist responded quite beautifully and authentically to where she was at. True healing can take place in these junctures.
I'm thinking too of a young man I kept company with for a while. We spoke of many things and connected on a lot of human levels. Something we didn't do was directly address the topic of his abuse, yet it was acknowledged that we both knew the wound was there. I think my task was simply to witness it and for him to know that I had.
There are different theories as to what is the best means of dealing with and healing from traumatic experience. I'm guessing you have at least passing familiarity with them as does your therapist -- the important thing to establish is, are you on the same page? As you note, you "know" where you need to go. You probably have some idea of what you'll "need" when you go there. I see what's going on as a means of testing the waters...
<font color=800000>I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.</font>
Talk to your therapist? Yes, by all means. But if the answer you get is "No" when what you need is "Yes"... it may mean that this therapist is not the one you need.
Additional Resources Related to Trauma & Healing:
[*] Trauma & Recovery[*] Recovering Body & Soul from PTSD[*] Waking the Tiger