Hello Caelix3 I think you might get more response to this post if you were to re-post it in the Transgender forum. It's unfortunately not a very active forum right now. However, there are members there who will know exactly what you're talking about.

Being transgender is something I have struggled with, to varying degrees, my entire life. I still don't understand what it was all about. I really think that in order to have any hope of figuring it all out, a person needs the services of a qualified & experienced gender identity therapist... (not just an "I treat everybody" type of therapist. They can do more harm than good.) I wish you the very best with your struggle. I know what it's like...