I'm new to posting here, though I've lurked for awhile. I could use support and perspective on my current situation.

I have been in and out of psych hospitals for suicide ideation and/or attempts for many years. Most recently I almost "succeeded." So, it makes a lot of sense that my T is scared.

I don't think meds have been particularly helpful. And, I worry that psych meds have just become another tool in my self-sabotage tool box.

I'm really trying to break out of a really bad cycle of suicidality. Removing meds from the equation feels like one way of getting out of this cycle - knowing that removing meds from the equation might mean needing extra support and vigilance.

My T is generally very supportive and is available by phone when I need to talk with her (while, that is a difficult option to exercise, I've committed to taking care of myself in that way when I need to.) I've been working with her for almost four years.

The dilemma is that we can't reach agreement about the meds - which would be fine if I thought I could still reach out for her support. I worry that if I don't take meds, my need to reach out to her at times won't be legitimate. I worry that if I do take meds I'd be doing it to maintain the support I have in her, rather than because I really think it's in my best interest long-term.

I have been on at least twenty different meds in the last six years. I have been off all meds, except for a benzo, for three months.

I am not in an easy emotional place. I definitely have suicidal thoughts, but no worse than when I've been on meds. I understand her fear. I know that I don't have the "right" answer. Even while I understand her fear, I am concerned that it is an obstacle in my attempting to break out of an old pattern. (which is always a scary proposition!!)

I am not opposed to meds, in general. I don't feel like they are offering any relief for me right now, and might actually be in my way at this moment of the struggle.

My T is not my med prescriber and I am working with that separately with a pdoc. So, really she doesn't have to be involved in the decision. Ideally, I'd have her support or barring that, a commitment to work fully with me despite disagreeing with my choices about my treatment.

I'm stuck here. It's not fair to need her to check her fear, but it's sort of what I feel like I need. At other times I have needed her to react out of that place of fear to help keep me safe.

I can't imagine how difficult her job is.

I know that I don't want responses that are just about how I should take the meds because they are inherently good- the situation is more complex than that. Other than that, I'm open to most any kind of response.

Thanks.



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