Thanks Etheria, Bpbear, and Wickedwings

It's taken me this long to get back to you, I'm only online between customers at work on the weekends right now. I am happy to share what I've learned with you wickedwings. Your story is so familiar, even the personality changes. I was relieved to discover those changes were not really changes though. Before my depression I loved myself, even with my flaws, but during depression, all I could notice were the flaws. The whole me was always there but couldn't come forward for a variety of reasons such as fear, anger, pain, withdrawal and cumulitively a whole snowball of crap called depression. I am closer to the "old" me than ever and while I still have flaws, the depression has been lifted away.

Time was one element in my healing. Always during my darkest days I wondered how long the hurt would be my everyday, every moment experience. It drove me crazy wondering if and when it might just lift enough to see the light of day again. I could still function somewhat, still felt a degree of intelligence, but everything felt so flat and empty and something always was missing. I didn't feel connection to people no matter what it appeared or what they must have assumed, I knew there was something off kilter.

It took so long to heal, but that is really the point. Time was a factor. An analogy would be a climber cannot leap to the summit. Only one step at a time. I could only learn at a non-threatening pace. Even if I read all the answers in one hour, they couldn't perform their healing magic simply because I myself was not ready. Little by little, fragments of the wisdom we all read right here and in inspirational books and music and movies could slowly filter in. In pieces it began to fit. 29 years could be a statement of my own ignorance or it could mean it took that long to firmly re-plant what had been natural at birth and removed in the experiences of life.
For me it was a combination of re-faithing, re-loving, re-trusting, and in general, re-birthing. So depleted was my reserve of knowledge, trust and hope that it took all 29 years to rebuild. Reading books about depression, attending therapy, and being a part of this website 4 years ago were all parts to my process. But most importantly, it was available material, persistence and desperation that finally paid off. A healthy and profound belief in a higher power was one final missing element.

I tried to sum this up so it wasn't too much. There is so much more and hopefully as time passes I hope I can help others and share what I've been granted. I firmly believe it is part of the process to pass on what's been learned.