Hi Doubtful,
Welcome to PC!! You will find lots of loving and supportive folks here and even a pain in the *** or two. Just like anywhere else I suppose...

All kidding aside, am struck with how you really have an understanding of what your T goes through and must feel, etc. in working with you. You mention her fear, reactions, opinions, thoughts, etc.

I'm wondering about YOUR fear, feelings, thoughts, etc. Are you afraid for yourself? Do you want to get well and stay out of the hospital? Do you know why you want to kill yourself?

I think if you get closer to some of what you think and feel, you may begin to get some answers.

Whether to take meds or not is ultimately your decision if you're an adult. I know some pdocs and Ts will get pissy if a patient is constantly suicidal and NOT on meds. You might ask your T and pdoc if the decision to not take meds is truly your own.

I'm here to support you. You and only you. I am glad you found PC and I look forward to getting to know you better. I really hope you do stay safe and at least make a committment to YOURSELF to find out why you feel like ending your life is your only way to end your pain. I'm living proof that that is just not so. I've been where you are now, and, I've also recovered. Life isn't perfect, but it doesn't totally suck either.
Take good care,
Okie