Good day elevatedsoul: No your post(s) are not confusing. It's just one of those days. Personally from what I've read from your other posts you are on my A list.

I had a scheduled therapy appt. today at the VA. The therapist was out sick as I found out AFTER I returned home. They want me to call 24 hrs in advance to cancel and if I don't they send a nasty letter. Okay for them to follow a different set of rules than what they set for the vets. Sort of like life in general.

Actually, I was glad. I'm fed up with explaining myself. I'm fed up with analyzing every thought and action. Despite what the 'professionals' say about having a sense of hopelessness it has been a companion for many years now. Just like failure. Both seem to keep me going as odd as that sounds. Everybody says how smart I am. It shows doesn't it? Nothing to show for it except for the knowledge I have that others scoff at or wonder what "good is it". Oh, and living off the state(SSDI). They tell me to go out and be sociable. Huh! When I was in my youth it was easy to make friends. Now I'm 59 tired and fed up with seeing the lies, deceit, manipulation and demands made on me as a man. Every time I go out my anxiety and B/P skyrockets. My parents are gone now. They apparently were aware of the struggles but showed very little concern except for the occasional 'did you pray about it"? Sure, sure. I know where a lot of my depression comes from and thought I rooted it out. Many of those thoughts are gone but, alas I'm still depressed.

I'm waiting, just waiting.