I've been working hard to focus on the better feelings I've been having recently. I never thought I'd get past the feelings of wanting to die but somehow I did.

But it's my birthday on Friday. I usually enjoy celebrating but this year I've been dreading it more than ever. I'm not ancient by any means (I'll be 37) but to me this is terrible. I have said since I was a teenager I'd have a breakdown before I was 40 and it just seems to get closer every year. I don't know why getting older is so terrifying for me. I always thought by this age I'd be married with kids, a decent house with a garden, a nice car and holidays every year. Now I'm divorced, a single parent, rent a small house, no car and no money to do anything nice.

Deep down I know that this is irrational, a complete waste of time and just stupid but it's like these thoughts are dragging me down and down.

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