honestly i felt like getting high drunk after that experience - smoked a cig before got in the car to leave, i probably did get drunk or high or both when i got home... i dont remember :/

i dont look like a bad guy, but i got that look about me that im too good to be true, my demeanor is fairly positive and people can't make heads or tails of me most of the time so they will automatically assume the worse - like i am gay, drug addicted alcoholic, evil, whatever... when in reality im more like a fallen angel, not a follower of lucifer, but an angel that got lost and is just trying to survive the heat of hell

i am a really unique person... i have never met anyone quite like me.... that is so genuine and compassionate... but has so many wars with inner demons... i don't drink as much as i used to, i really barely drink at all anymore... i barely even smoke weed anymore - just because i dont have access to any of it - probably would if i could... but its just what i've learned to do to try to deal with these things... i guess its like feeding the demons so they wont torment me so much

i consider myself spiritual but not religious... because i feel that religion has caused so many problems in the world... the repression of knowledge, book burnings, wars... the templars... i just try to avoid labels...

i like to believe there is a higher intelligence, but a big part of me says that its not possible for their to be an individual intelligence that governs our universe... but that its a collective intelligence of all the things living in the universe that makes up what we would call god... so god "just is" ... god is existence itself... god is in you and me, the trees and the grass.. its not in a place in the stars called heaven, or a place deep below called hell...

i dont like to talk about it though because i have offended people before (not intentionally...) especially growing up in a strong christian family, you can only imagine the ridicule i experience... i don't have any friends or anybody that believes the way i do - its quite lonely... im not really an atheist, im not really agnostic...
i think there is a way to truly understand what life is by being alive - understanding whats going on while experiencing it... its just so vastly different from what we have been taught that its right in front of our faces and we cant see it

so i just live by my morals... be a good person, treat others the way i would like them to treat me (even though they dont treat me the same) and i'll be fine, i'll be at peace with my self when i go atleast... and maybe what ever is this existence will pull me aside and tell me that i have earned the rite of passage - to know what is going on..

im a truth seeker i guess, i am completely obsessed with knowing everything :/
it fuels me


thanks for listening...