Hi all,

I've been dealing with an issue in my relationship for the last 4 months or so and I literally don't know what I should do about it. Last Nov, my partner Maria told me that when her brother Mark was 12 he molested their 4 year old cousin and had Maria (who was 6 at the time) watch. When she told me this I was horrified and saddened and so livid. She comes from a family who would rather ignore and sweep things under the rug than deal with it, and that's what they did for this situation too. Maria recalls no strict punishment although she doesn't remember their parents minimizing the situation either. He wasn't harshly punished or put in counseling or anything. After the incident occurred she remembers them talking about it as a family once and from that point on ignored it. Maria has pushed this out of her mind for over 20 years and now it's come up again. She decided to confront Mark about it and spoke with her parents about why it was never discussed much or really addressed. They pretty much blew her off saying that it was in the past and asked her why she's trying to start trouble by bringing up irrelevant issues. Maria was in counseling for a bit to help her work through her issues with it. I think the confrontation helped her and doesn't seem to have much anger or sadness over it today.

I on the other hand am torn over what to do. Sadly I have a long history with sexual abuse at the hands of a family member and don't have the desire to associate with a molester. I told my partner that if she plans to have contact with him again I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with her. She was hesitant but agreed that she feels like she would also never be able to have a relationship with Mark again anyway. There have been a few times in the last 4 months that we've talked about it, mostly me asking if she's sure that this is something she can do. She's aware of my history and understands my position. I absolutely HATE telling people what they should and should not be doing but this is an absolute deal breaker for me which I was upfront about with her. There are times that I feel she is only going along with what I want because she's afraid of losing me, although she's reassured me that she also agrees she shouldn't have contact with Mark again.

My partner and I have been discussing marriage lately. We aren't officially engaged but we have set a wedding date for later this year and booked a photographer. Lately the family issue has been bothering me a lot and I obsessively think about it and fear I will end up divorced because in the future Maria decides to make amends with Mark.

Am I being unreasonable? I think about the future when Maria's family will be my family, and the thought of being in the same room with someone who has molested in the past it makes my stomach turn.

I'm unsure of how to go about this now. Lately this has been eating me up and I want to discuss it again with Maria however whenever we talk about it I get the feeling that she's only going along with what I want. Her family is really into texting each other and they have a constant running group text where they will all discuss the happenings with each other. I've asked Maria if she texts Mark and she says she doesn't although they share the same group text message with everyone.

I'm at a loss. It's not my place to control this nor is it my responsibility to manage her family relationships. I just don't want to have a wife who has contact wtih a molester. This brings up so many traumatic memories for me and I feel like I need a lot of reassurance. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.