Would you be ashamed of cancer or epilepsy? I am not proud of my mental illnesses of course, but I am not ashamed and you shouldn't be. It is rough enough without being saddled with shame.

I am always cautious about my conditions, not from shame but because how others can react. Especially when applying for jobs. Mental illness still has a stigma attached and it is really hard for people who don't have it to understand. People with non-mental-health disabilities normally don't get the same reaction from people that hire, even though the law prohibits discrimination of all disabilities. Of course, if you don't, you could lose the job because you are slower than the other people and they won't know why. It is a double edged sword.

I almost lost a job 15 years ago because I didn't disclose my mental illnesses and I was perceived as a slacker even though I went home totally exhausted every night. Luckily, the manager was understanding once I did disclose it.

I know exactly what you mean, right down to your reasons for not wanting to go to a therapist. When I think about it, all I can respond to myself about it is: "No words are going to change how much I suck". "No words are going to give me energy and the ability to live a normal life". So I don't see a therapist.

I know I am wrong, I know I should go see one but I can't get past myself. Nothing changes, except things get worse. I wish I could tell you the secret in moving forward, but I don't know it.