Crying on the inside, I use to be very heavy in high school and kids would ask me if i was pregnant which i was not. I just over ate. Then i starved myself. I am older now and i only eat when i crave something or if i crave a certain food for the vitamins. If i feel overweight then i drink diaretics without the purging like a coffee or eat other foods like apple sauce, prunes, plums, etc. There is a healthy way of eating the weight off by putting those foods in your diet. You cannot get heavy on them and you are not purging. It will be a most helpful transistion and still make you feel good about yourself.
Please don't hate yourself, you are a unique person, a masterful piece of work of the most high God who created you. There is only one you in the whole universe with all your wonderful charm, personality and talents. Please don't waste them on berating yourself. Every human being is special (((hugs))) and that includes you my dear. Find something good about yourself that you do well, no matter how small and celebrate it... be kind to yourself, for you deserve it! Blessings and tc