thank you for your kind and quick responses.

sunrise, i like your suggestion to just keep my T out of the med discussion. it seems challenging because i feel like tapering off of meds and being mostly med free has been one part of a fuller picture of breaking out of my patterns/cycles. it feels like a loss (however small) to not have her tacit support in a component of my plans to help myself heal.

okie, i think you're totally right. i am afraid! i am really afraid to give up thinking of suicide as an option. i am also afraid of the dark places i go to. overall, i am really afraid to break out of my pattern (for a whole host of reasons). i guess that's why i have such empathy for my T - we both have to tolerate a fair amount of anxiety. i wish she was empathising with more than just my fear!

caramee, thanks for the video link. i will check it out. i've done dbt light. were it was just the classes, no individual therapy. i liked a lot of what i learned. i wish my insurance covered an actual dbt program.

i think in part this feels so distressful because i'm simultaneously dealing with feeling not very connected to T. we are rarely SO not on the same page.

thanks again.