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Something has sort of caved in on me in my spirit and i feel so very very sad.

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Yeah, yeah, THAT is just how it was/ is for me.
I feel like I so much want to protect you........... because I couldnt protect myself at the time. Just like you said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
learning to stand your ground is important but a catch 22, as if you knew how you wouldn't need therapy as much

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Hey, why am I telling you to do what I couldnt do???

I went in open and needing and longing, and trusting.
And then these things happen, and the betrayal bond kicks in, that is, it gets more itense and I keep trying to go back and 'firefight' very accurate way to put it, feelings mounting, needs mounting, I was going back to firefight, each time losing a bit more of myself, like a heamorrhage, and the 'other', the T gets even more powerful and etc.

Do you think maybe your T. is 'misattuned' to how deep and how important some things are? and I dont mean how important they are to you, I mean actually IMPORTANT?

Gosh, I know that feeling of depletion............. it worries me because so much of what you are bringing is really valuabe stuff, I am sure because of the emotions you are having. It feels like heamorrhaging value when you take it to someone who isnt responding in a way to contain the seriousness.
I'm sorry if I sound too negative and frighten you when you need strengthening, but ................ I feel there must be a better way.

What you said:
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write down things like rescheduled appointments need to be in advance if at all possible, set firm goals that aren't moved on you... and so on. What sets you off about what they do is as informative about you as it is about them as well.

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yes, that exactly what I've been doing, and I've learnt alot about myself and deep damage that I carry and need to deal with. I think, as you suggest, I also am learning what I need and perhaps to insist on it. And if I cant get it, to leave without betraying myself.
But whats happened to me now is that instead of wanting a good therapist I want to go into one of those offices and

until I feel I have stood my ground. I know thats not the way therapy is meant to be, but thats the way the universe has been handing it to to me??

I understand about how you feel and how sad, I can so understand it. I worry about being too needy and being unhelpful and putting on pressure or something............
god what a mess!!

And all that said, I loved my T. and in some way still have faith it can be resolved and sorted out and healed.
thanks for listening, I want to be helpful and I probably just end up being needy.
But I'll let you know how it goes, I feel nearly ready to go back in fact I did pick up the phone ...............

lots of warm wishes to you,............... talk again maybe, when you feel like it.
ps, I think talking here has been saner and honester than the therapy.............
riverx