Thanks Alison, Elevatedsoul. It does help some. I actually haven't cut in about two months, but beginning with the day I posted this thread and up to now, the urges have been coming back. I also haven't been suicidal for a while now but in that moment, I think I'd gotten myself to that point again.
I rely too much on the few people I'm really close to in my life, most notably my best friend. When he can't drop everything to give me instantaneous attention, my mood can drop rapidly. Sometimes I think I'm doing better at not relying on him as much but then out of nowhere it causes a huge mood shift and the result this time was this post.
Due to an, er, let's say interesting home situation, I can't get therapy or counseling for another six months, which is when I head off to college in a neighboring state and about 10 hours away. My best friend and his girlfriend are actually planning to move to where my college is just to stay close to me. I think partly that's because he values me and loves me, and says this relationship is basically necessary for him too no matter how much he enjoys it outside of necessity. But. The main reason is me. We're both scared of what could happen if I was that far away from him for that long.
But maybe the counseling I can get at the school will help too. It's college. So much of my life will change. Maybe I'll find the secret to happiness.
Until then I just have to tough it out. He stays because he wants to and claims fiercely that I have never abused him, even when I say I no doubt have at this point. I feel so selfish for throwing fits when he's too busy for another of my depressive episodes, but if he's willing to put up with me, then for his sake if not for mine, I guess the thing to do is work at recovering, and not worrying as much about hurting him. I don't know. That sounds selfish too. I wish I could get adult, professional help right now instead of having to wait. I know I need guidance but also know that I can't turn to any of the adults already in my life.