I hate you . I hate the times during the week , when I'm in need , think of you and notice the session is gonna take at least two days to come. Then when the time comes , I'm ok and I don't need you at all. We talk about it anyway . but there's no use. I'm still right here , suffering ,or simply empty minded, still after all these years feeling like there's something that I should find to fix things , then I tell myself there's nothing and yes I do know everything is just about a little bit of willingness. But then everything repeats themselves. Still here writing **** , hating you and wanting to remove you from my life because you are not capable of doing anything for me. Our relationship doesn't work and I don't give a damn. Why would we try to fix sth that's so fragile ? a 3 years old relationship that's only been touched by disappointment , shouldn' be as weak , as weak as I don't feel the slightest connection to you . I'm fed up with your exhausting repetitive questions : what are you thinking about ? how do you feel toward X and Y ? I ****ing don't know . I'm tired of answering these kinds of questions and never ever feeling like this has ever helped me to find out something about myself . it just adds up to my confusion .
Ok I know , if I want to end it , I'm free to do. But then we 'll have session to talk about termination , and you say there are other things to work on yet , and since I 'm sure you have my best in mind , and you just wanna help , knowing that it's another favor ( since you have reduced your fee , and that you get no financial advantage out of this ) , I'd say ok , let's keep on ,let's see what happens .
I'm ****ing crying now and I don't know why . I never know anyway. Is it becoz I feel like I need "you" or because I'm simply in need ? Do I want to terminate or I don’t ? do I trust you or I don't ?
I hate the fact that I never know this or that? I realize this might not be you that I hate , but you accompany all this hateful stuff and you don't fix it . you're just another human what am I expecting ?
I know how will our next ****ing session will be . don't need to write that boring stuff anymore .
What the hell is wrong with the world , all I want is death . Is it that much ????????