i don't think he did it for kicks... he wanted to discourage me from needing him to reassure me that "we" were ok. But he said himself that when he decided to do it he knew it would make me anxious. *That* part was going against his promise. He made a decision, a plan of action which he knew would result in anxiety and that was it's purpose... to make me anxious. It was meant to be constructive, but he left out the part in which he made the joint decision, or prepared me for how to deal with it.

So, his intentions were good and were aimed at my long term benefit, but that makes no sense without showing me skills first. i had no idea how to deal with it... how to reassure myself... and i have a history of SI and other destructive behaviours... then when i found out why he had done this... the deliberateness and then the feelings of betrayal... no skills to deal with this... no skills to cope. i ended up hurting myself and spiraling into a very bad state.

Not calling me back felt bad.. and i was not prepared or able to reassure myself, but the reasons he chose feel like betrayal. He was supposed to make joint decisions and he should have taught me ways to cope on my own. My history of trying tcope on my own with those issues is not great.