Hello smartiesparty: Well... if your therapist tells you s/he doesn't understand your train of thought, the Skeezyks' first thought would be you need a new therapist! Beyond that... I know I have struggled all of my life with my brain telling me to do all sorts of strange & sometimes self-destructive things. At this point, I think I have finally aged out of it. But I'm now in my later 60's. So you can see how long it took for this to happen!

I have frequently written, here on PC, that I like to learn about new brain research that is being done using fMRI technology. One of the points that is frequently made with regard to this is that much of who we are & what we do is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access. So, in my case, I imagine that perhaps what has driven me to have the thoughts I have struggled with is material that is stored in non-conscious areas of my brain. Perhaps there is something similar going on with you.

I've never been able to be in a therapeutic situation where I had the opportunity to explore this. The therapies that are offered where I live are all much too superficial to be of any consequence. I've really never gotten much benefit from psych med's either. So I don't know as I have much to offer in terms of advice. But I thought I would simply share my thoughts & offer my best wishes that you might, in some way, find peace in your life.