I signed an anti-suicide contract with my T today. I was reluctant because, if I am to honor it, it takes away what is sometimes the only thing getting me through one more day: the idea that if I can't make it any more I can always end it. Also I'm simply not sure if I can honor it if I get that desparate. I'm speaking from a place where I have been having massive SI but no real desire to do something or make a specific plan or date... If I should get to that point I don't know if a contract is going to stop me. However I decided that if I DO get to that point, if there is even the possibility that having this contract might be a deterrent, it is worth signing. So I did it. I certainly do not want to die. I'm having trouble finding reasons to live and reasons to continue to endure all of this pain but I certainly do want to find a reason to live and a goal or plan for the future.