The legacy:

So, I think the question is will I go to the Pdoc this month for him to ask his question: "and does that make you angry?"

I wish that I could feel anger.. maybe it would relieve the pain.. that is as intense now as it was "back" then. The DX of DID, allows me to "feel" the pain.. now.. and as it was then...

No one "really" wants you to talk about it... not "really",,,, is ok to say you were sexually, physically abused... but who really wants to know.. what that "really" means... the category.. "sexually" abused so general - it could be well anything.. and that is what people are comfortable with - the vague... the foggie..

If I were to try and tell my best friends IRL... she would cover her ears... the pain for her.. too much to listen to.

If I were to try to tell my adult son.. he would stalk out of the house.. angry because someone treated his mom that way.

If I were to try and tell a minister or preacher.. well they so uncomforable.. they crawl out of their skin...

Absolutely,,, no one can bear to hear what happened in my 12 year marriage... my wonderful T... wincing at just the tinest of sharing of the abuse.. so I won't be telling him....

Aloneness... that is the legacy from the abuser.. I finally figured that out tonight.. I speak for me.. and only for me.. not for the others on this board...I wish to hurt no one.
The abusers in my life "gifted" me with complete aloneness IRL...

The T's, say over and over.. is fixable... is fixable... but is it fixable? Each person is different... each person's background is different.. each person's capicity for healing is different..I've heard "fixable" for 23 years...

But is mine? the pain is unbearable...