I read your entire post and relate to a lot of it though my defenses aren't dissociation and repression, but intellectualizing and suppression.

I went through a really intense stage which felt very long and full of anguish where I would cry bitterly at the thought of losing my T (eg being discharged, being away from her, therapy having to end eventually) but it has faded a bit as I gradually get better at holding onto connection.

It's still strong but not so intense by a little bit because she tries to meet those connection needs if she can.

It took me over a year to believe that she does care and her nurturing is real, and that she desires connection with me and to meet my emotional needs where she can within the boundaries of a "more flexible then most modalities (at least in my Asian country)" therapy relationship.

I can text her and give her really long letters (40+ pages), and hug her.

She tries to connect with and nurture my "vulnerable child" mode, and other "modes" of myself as well as supporting and strengthening my "healthy adult" mode as well as fighting my punitive parent mode (inner critic in other modalities etc).

(I'm not DID but it can be like an ego state, or how some therapy modality like Internal Family System use "parts". Some people like the word "parts", some people who dissociate more severely might use "alters"... It's like a continumn from mood shifts all the way to alters.)

Some other posters here and in blogs I read have transitional objects, phone calls, recordings etc to help with the connection too.

I honestly believe that eventually I will "grow up" into increasing autonomy etc in therapy.