Nope. I'm at the bottom of the down staircase.

I don't trust myself these days. I do things and don't know why. I do things without knowing.

I grieve. I've been deeply grieving for, let's see, over 19 years. I don't know whose stages of grief that you referenced, but I've been through them all, never staying at any one for long but unable to stop the ride.

I hope that someone can help you. I'm of no use to anyone, pitiful me.