Quote:
Originally Posted by yagr
Forgive me for saying this, but I think you are looking at this in a rather misguided way. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I look at such situations wrong and you have it right - but I'm not upset by it, and that's got to count for something. You seem to believe that when people ask for advice, they are asking you what they should do. When I ask for advice (which admittedly is not very often) I am asking for an alternate way of looking at my problem. The decision on what to do with my problem is still mine. "What would you do?" is not a preface to me giving up my autonomy.
You said something above that really stood out to me. You said, "...when they want help, but not enough to take steps in the right direction?" Obviously you think it is the right direction, or you wouldn't have offered the advice, but you seem convinced that it is the right way for them - and I think this is what is causing your consternation.
I become exhausted when I become emotionally invested in the results. If I give my advice freely, expecting nothing in return, I am not easily tired. Changing dysfunctional habits is usually a process. You may be helping her prepare for change that she is not quite ready to make yet, but is getting closer emotionally because of your continued support.
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I wrote this with frustration at the forefront of my mind. I should have explained that this has been going on for years, and it's a cycle of the same problems. I didn't mean that 'this is my opinion and you have to listen to me, if you don't then I'm exhausted with you'
It's more, I've given you every perspective, every side of the problem and offered every solution I can possibly think of and I know we're going to have the same conversation almost word for word next week.
I do really appreciate what you've said, I just wanted to clarify I don't expect anyone to take my advice, and I'm not upset that she hasn't listened to me, I'm frustrated that the conversation is always the same, and I've exhausted all my solutions and perspective. I fully agree with you, if you ask for advice it's usually because you need another way to look at things.
For me, I'm tired of going in emotional circles, I feel like she hasn't listened or heard me, it's easier to ignore all advice (she does it to my step mum too), she asks for advice, but rarely takes action to make a change. It's been about 7 years we've been having this particular conversation.
Right now, I'm asking when is enough, enough?
But like I said, if I can offer support to her I will, but maybe there's a different way to approach it?