i've always had a native spirituality, even when i didn't understand as a little kid. it was wonderful to be connected. the biggest problem is that my depression severed my connection. i just plain can't feel it. i wish i could and need it so bad. i pray all the time. i need my connection back. i have no native ancestry. but, i've always been drawn to the native spirituality. i wish i can feel my connection. i been feeling like i've been stuck in purgatory for too long. it's like having hell here on earth. i would die for healing. i would die to keep others from having to feel like this. but, i keep on living.... it's like i'm wearing blinders all the time. i can't experience pleasures, joy, excitement, or even the magic of spirituality. i'm dead and alive at the same time.

i believe in god. i can't connect through prayers or meditation. it just isn't there.... why?