|
I was raped and molested by a male physician for 7 years of my life as a child. It destroyed the chemistry in my brain for whatever normal sex life I was supposed to have as an adult.
I am wondering if anyone else feels like I do?
I am 44 years old.
I was married in my early 20's for 2 years. I was aware at that time that I had some issues in the bedroom. A few years later I got engaged to a wonderful man who was a Vietnam Vet--he had PTSD from the war. According to my Rabbi-who is also my therapist--we smoothed each other out in regard to our PTSD issues. It was the only time that I ever felt normal in a relationship. He died 3 months before we supposed to be married.
It's been 19 years since he's been gone.
I tried dating after his death. But, the people I dated were normal, and had normal sex drives. I haven't been on a date in 12 years. I gave up trying to find someone.
I've turned men away who were interested--because I knew whatever relationship we might engage in--would eventually lead to intimacy.
I don't have a sex drive. Nothing turns me on.
I don't check out men, or even look at people whatsoever.
They don't interest me.
When I am with someone in the bedroom--I get flashbacks of the doctor raping me. And, in return--I feel raped when I am trying to be with that person.
It isn't that I don't long to be with someone.
But, I am so sexually dysfunctional--that I simply stopped trying to find someone who might have similar issues like me.
I wish there was a switch that I could turn on in my brain that gets the chemistry going, and I actually feel sexually attracted to someone.
But--that switch never turns on.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
|