Around a year ago, I was really bad. I just wanted to not be here, for everything to end. All thought were bad. I hated myself for bad, and I just kept a mantra going in my mind. Stupid. Disqusting. Pathetic. A worthless freak. Among many others. It was constant, and it was everyday. I can'tell tell you how many times I locked myself in my room to cry just to feel empty and have no tears come. It was awful. Then I got kind of better. But I realize now that it will never go away. It is not constant, but I have many moments or extreme depression, and it happens several times a day. It gets really bad at night. And I feel my depression is worse now than it was when it was all the time! I don't know what to do! I don't know how to deal with anything! My mind and soul are washed in black. I have long forgotten what hope is, and stopped believing any man would ever even be attracted to me. It's not like they pay attention to me. I have people talking to me, yet they don't see my pain. And when they do, when they ask what's wrong and I say nothing, they shrug and keep going. Wow, thanks! I appreciate it! They say you have to hit rock bottom before getting better, but I feel I will just get worse in an endless black hole before I snap and go crazy. Then I always feel I pretend I have these mental problems when I don't and I feel even worse, which Might be a problem on its own. I think I'm slowly going insaine. Gosh. I hate myself. Too bad I don't have any hope. Maybe it would help to believe I could get better.