Thank you - this is exactly where I need to go with this!!
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RiverX said:
Is there something that stops you from having an instinctive discomfort about things or getting a sense of when something isnt real. Anytime I have been around someone who is in their false self I have felt something not right.
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The instinctive discomfort comes right on cue... but after reflecting on your questions, I believe I immediately discount my feelings as superficial, cruel or unduly harsh. I feel...here it comes... that I'm being as harsh and superficial as my NPD Father was. I bend over backwards to make excuses (just like Mom always had to do for Dad's behavior) for the N's behavior, so as not to feel like I've judged the person without KNOWING (reality) what they REALLY mean.
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Could there be something below the level of consciousness attracting you there?
this is NOT blaming the victim, its about bringing to the light of consciousness what ever there might be that makes you vulnerable to getting hooked in.................. Like Ns have this way of knowing what you need, what you long for and reflecting it........but I suspect there MUST be some clues...... from early on.
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What attracts me is the self-confidence of the N. Yes, they first portray eveything I want in a person before I get sucked into their vortex. I didn't think I gave these clues away up front, but I'll watch more closely what info I volunteer next time. I need a strong character, someone with a sense of right and wrong, creative (artisitcally or skills-wise) and a sense of humor. "Smart, but not evil."
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Did you have a delerious, high feeling in yourself? feel a bit less focused from your own centre of initiative ........... think of yourself as a first class detective, examining everthing..........
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once I thought that a relationship was desired, yes. Couldn't focus on daily tasks, wholly consumed in what the N. was doing or thinking or creating... this go-around, I held fast to ME. Didn't completely lose my 'self' in this... which is what allowed me to peel the layers of the onion and constantly ask for confirmation on what he was wanting from me.
Ever since I was a smal child (2-3) I have had a problem seperating fiction from reality. I "went off to see the world" at 2, walked over a mile away from home, and returned to a major spanking. Heck, the lil bunnies did that in the stories I was read... at 3 I was attacked by guard dogs because I "imagined the BEWARE OF DOG sign read PLAY WITH US". My parents left me alone most of the time. My older brothers (7& 10 yrs older than me) used me as a punching bag both emotionally and physically. I learned more about life from my cat than my parents.
I appreciate your comments and dx... anything that can point me in a direction to read up on myself and learn. Seems T's don't want to come right out and tell you you have "____".
Anne