Darknessforever,
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I am haunted by a ghost of darkness/emptiness, at the worst moments I am incapable of functioning like a normal human, I feel so numb that I can't move or get up from bed. Then get those depression attacks, heart wrenching instopable cries, very disturbing whirlwind of thoughts. Gets worse at night. Have been suffering for six to seven years on and off.
I hate taking medicine too, but the severe episodes subsidies when I take meds. As of now I am on pills, the side effects are severe in the beginning 1-2 weeks then its normal. Right now my mood is neutral, functionable. I literally stay away from thinking or talking to people. I have become a loner since depression came to my life. Talking to people feels pointless. I don't know what I want. I live with my family, they are supportive but they lose it easily, how long can they bear a lifeless girl brooding under their roof. I am a burden, a waste of space.
I never went to therapy/counseling, every time my psychiatrist recommended therapy I stopped seeing her. This time she made it mandatory to go to therapy. I hate talking.
You should try taking medicines, it helps. Weakens the clutch of the ghost you and I are fighting.