First I want to say that I do not drink anymore. When I did, I would black out. But there's no reasons that I can think of right now. Well long story short... Bf's mom and I do not get along and she is a trigger for me so I stay far away. No calls, texts, no contact. There is one time during a mixed episode induced by lamictal, that I did royally go off on her and I do remember it. That was months back. Today we asked her to babysit and she got mad and sent my bf screen shots of me supposedly telling her that she is overbearing and don't need her charity or to be around his kids. However I didn't exactly say it like that lol. So he yelled at me saying I'm the one that told her to back off so deal with it now, and rightfully so! Dysphoria makes me grow horns! But for the life of me I cannot remember any bit of that convo whatsoever! I actually thought they were just overreacting over a small convo way back until he told me that she was sending actual screen shots. Truth is, I'm too scared to look at them myself because I'm well aware how nasty I can get when dysphoric. I'm embarrassed! But for such an extensive convo you'd think I'd remember something like that!! I've never had memory problems in my life. I'm appalled at what he's describing that I said.

Now the reason I think this was a blackout is because the one time I had psychosis (that I can recall) I had blacked out. This was a year ago on the very day I quit my job because I had a panic attack so bad that my speech was messed up like I was saying words backwards and switching syllables around. That whole day is a blur for me and no I wasn't under the influence. Later in that day when I was having psychosis, my family describes it as I was hallucinating and thinking objects were food when they were decorative rocks and said I was going to my room when I walked out on my deck. This post right here is the first time I've ever talked about this experience because truth is, I'm humiliated. I actually haven't even told pdoc until two weeks ago! She said that the reason I blacked out is my bodies way of coping with the stress of losing my job that day. After this day I fell into a deep depression and didn't leave my room for 6 months. Clearly I've done all I can to forget that day. My boss even called to ask if I was going to come back to work but I was too embarrassed to even answer the phone or texts.

So should I be alarmed by this conversation that I don't even recall? Now if this was back in my drinking days I could shrug it off. But I'm kinda worried here. Was I in another psychosis maybe? I'm horrified by my actions on that day last year and during this convo. I'm too embarrassed to even read these screen shots. I honestly do not remember a single word of this. If this took place yesterday and I just now found out then I absolutely would put myself in IP... Gladly! But I feel since it was months ago that I can't do much about it now [emoji30]. Anyone else ever black out like this?? What should I even do about it?

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