I fell now that what I done was wrong and I should not have tried to get intouch with my estranged and angry family but you know how it goes,it bugs you so much that you have to.I do this every once in a while and it's starting to frustrate me because I get hurt so bad that my protective coping skills come in and I hide from the world.

So I picked up the phone and called my daughter,really wanted to know if she will accept my offer of spending some time with me over the festive season(we are far apart both physically and emotionally)I am to blame for that but I have tried on many occassions with no comeback from the otherside.It's little things like that that keep me going,one hand washes the other.Anyway,she told me the line was bad and I called on the house phone.My son answered and I spoke to him for a while and then asked for her.He came back saying that she is busy,she said so.Now that hurt!!!I know that I'm not really part of their lives but I keep trying to reach out and no-one reaches back.Am I being selfish and only thinking about myself again?Why give me the impression that you'd like to talk and then have no time?Is it just payback?!

So I asked if I could speak to one of my sisters,sorry,I'm rambling but need to get it out somehow...
Now I haven't spoken to her over a year,inbetween the other years that I have been on my own trips,back and forth.To me it seemed that I always chose certian people to talk to and never got the right response so,I decided to try another route and boy was I not ready for what she had to say.She told me how she felt and what she thought about me and what I'm doing to my kids,I know that all and am really coming to terms now,I let her go,feeling that she herself needed to get things off her chest but ended up getting very defensive when she really started putting me down.The call ended on a not so good call and I felt frustrated,betrayed,manipulated,angry all over again but I did have the decency to ask her if she was feeling any better,getting that off her chest and she said she doesn't care what I think.It never ended good and I'm not really sure how she will take it with time but my thoughts are if you have done so much wrong and that is all they remember and all they see,how do you build up a relationship,your selfesteem,gain forgiveness when you are looking for acceptance and no-one(who you want to care)cares?

Should I once again,leave them be to get over it or should I pester them until they really have no choice in the matter,which means I either once again,abandon my kids or let my family twist this again to make me look bad.There just seems to be no right outcome!!!
HELP...
St0rmy