I can relate to so much that you're saying bobby. I'm BP, BPD and an abuser. I only drank alcohol one time in the last year and that WAS my med for a long time. I would drink because i couldn't deal with the ups and downs of my MI and I really think it just made those more unstable for me. I would be good and go on meds and then give up because I just wanted that beer and only that beer. And quite often when I was drunk, I didn't give two craps about what else I put in my body at the moment. And like you, I've had many "last times", "for old time sakes". I had to be hospitalized to get off of alcohol because I was physically addicted. Right now I'm still dabbling in other things but I don't get blasted or black out. I usually only take just enough to keep me "right". Uppers are my thing. I need that feeling of being hyper, invincible ect. And it does effect my moods I'll admit that. I'd get high to be high and then do it again to avoid the crash. That crash is what really messes with me. It's a dark cold hole and it's mental agony. I often post in the addictions section here. It helps me have some kind of hope.

It is funny how we're so quick and careless when it comes to catching a buzz yet scared of psych meds too lol. Kind of a catch 22. I did have the right cocktail of psychs a few months ago but lately I've derailed. Honestly I blame myself and the substance abuse. I'm quite sure that an overload of anything can do a number on our brain chemistry. In a way I almost don't want to do a new med combo until I finally get sober. It seems like a waste of time if I'm just going to keep abusing things that effect my moods anyway.

For BOTH of us, I'd recommend treatment. I know it's easier said than done and it's something you have to be ready for. I think if we really wanted to though that we could do it. Besides, we're pretty good at getting things when we put effort in (or really want to alter our mood for the day). We both have to really want it to achieve it and stop making excuses for that "last time".

Now to answer your question about depakote, I've never been on it because my pdoc only likes to give it as a last resort.

And If you are indeed ADD then be very careful if you ever want to take stimulants because they can make BP out of control. But I'm only speaking out of experience. Everyone responds different to every med, as was said.

I wish I had all the answers but I think all I did was lecture you and let you know that you're not alone. If you ever have questions then feel free to PM me. I've been at this game a long time lol.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk