Hi Casey.

I know you wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry you feel this way.

I smoke weed, I have done for 3 years, and 2 years on and off prior to that. I smoke it now because it's the only thing that stops me from SH, it sends me to sleep without nightmares and it mellows me out when my PTSD is overwhelming. I know how hard it can be to rely on something, be it weed or SH because it's something in our control. Relying on something rather than someone means we won't be let down, it's like a safe guard, or a security blanket that you don't want to let go of.

And I agree with you, for whatever reason, be it clear or not, you're still here. Even though you've struggled you're still able to put yourself out there for other people which is something I would be proud of. When I was younger I tried to take my life more than once, and it was the fact I was unsuccessful that made me rethink my position on this planet. You helped your colleague because that's who you are, a kind, warm, caring person who has a big heart. You welcomed me on my first day here and made me feel welcomed. I should have thanked you before, and shown my appreciation, and I'm sorry it's taken me this long.

Have you gone back to your T? Or found a new one? I still smoke weed, and see a T and I imagine it's hard giving up both.
And lastly, I think shock is a normal reaction to being in the situation you were in. And I'm not surprised it triggered you. You have been through so much of your own, and going through those things is often what makes us the best person to turn to and talk to when other people need help and support, even if it's not good or healthy for us. I know nothing I've said can change how you feel, but you've been an incredible friend to your colleague, and you should be proud of yourself or at least give yourself some credit for the way in which you handled yourself with him. I'm sure he's grateful for everything you did, the same way I am grateful to you.

I'm sorry about your friends diagnosis I'm sending my love, support and best wishes for all of you. xxx