I was not well for several months at the end of the year and was on a leave from work. I ended up changing jobs after that. I started my new job 3/1, and have not missed a day so far. I'm doing well overall and it feels really good to be working daily again.

I don't know why but I had terrible work anxiety this morning (still do) and was worrying I won't be able to keep this up, am I really doing an ok job, and what happens if I am not or can't? Made me think of times when I wasn't well in the last year and felt so of that despair that went along with it.

Overall I've been relatively stable since I started back aside from one episode that lasted maybe 10 days total.

I cycle frequently when that happens and had a very mild hypomania for a 5 days or so, then it jumped up a few notches for a day or two, then peaked a day (euphoria!! I love it!! Until it ends) took PRNS several times for a couple days on advice from friends. Who also got me to realize the lamictal bottle had not been "changed out" and it was safe to take), then I was alot more 'normal' a couple of days, then had one day I was really slowed down mental and physically. Then I was back to normal after sleeping that whole day (was a Sunday thankfully).

So on one hand, I'm doing so well....I work daily, I shower, I eat, I socialize sometimes.

On the other hand I kind of feel like I'm held together by some loose threads that I hope don't break!

The cycling doesn't seem to stop. The good part is I can predict it now. It's about every 6-8 weeks and for about 10days I'm off balance.

First I get the slight 'buzz' feeling. Then I'm getting up two hours early and can't sit still, then within a couple days I feel like I'm made of gold, can do anything, meds are possibly actually poison, and I'm dancing around to the song, playing loudly, in my head on repeat, all day. Which is a blast till I get agitated, then I pace around and feel disoriented. Then within a couple days I have 1-3 days of being really slowed down mentally and physically and can sleep all day.

Thankfully friends reign me in and I have myself trained on PRNs. This time I even told a friend "in two days I'm probably not going to be taking meds and I need you to tell me I told you to make sure I am not stopping, and probably need PRN in addition. I still struggle then to trust them but I know this is not me, it's chemicals in my brain. I missed 2 doses overall but got back on track.

I struggle daily with "Do I have bipolar and do I need treatment" or can I just do it alone, exercise most days, eat well, have a sleep routine, etc. It sucks because I know I need meds, at least for now is what I tell myself, and doctor says that too. I ask everytime to go off and he says, 'let's wait X months and then can see how you're doing" It's been 16 months now...

I take lamictal and risperdal, though I've been trying to get off the latter. Maybe that was a bad idea, but doctor did say I could do that but wanted to start abilify, and I haven't done that yet. I've stopped it twice now and then went back on at a smaller dose for a few days bc I felt like I was going to explode. I took it last night after not for 2 days.

So I've gotten way off track but does anyone know that feeling of being able to hold down work again but having that fear you won't be able to, and that kind of "I have everybody fooled" and eventually they'll find out I'm barely held together.

Thanks for reading, hope you have a good day.