Thanks for sharing all that helped.
Rainbow-your post spoke to me the most. I was trying to explain to my T last week about positive affirmations, couldn't think of examples of what that would look like, and he mocked me in a strong sarcastic voice. It intensified the already existing shame.
I sough the therapy relationship for healing. All the reprogramming and stuff sounds ideal in theory, and I can see how it works for some, but I just don't have the base from which to build on. There have been no loving experiences in childhood, so there is nothing to build on.
Everything seems so bleak-I need someone to show me what the other world is like. What it could be like. Showing me positive things about myself, giving me the hope and compassion I lack until I can get there myself.
I'm looking for another therapist to help me end this relationship, and then i'm going to quit therapy altogether. Ending this relationship feels so traumatic to me, I can't go through this again.
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In my opinion, your T isn't using the right methods to foster self-worth. He may not be the kind of T you need. I am reading Attachment in Psychotherapy, by Wallin, and learning how a T can use the relationship and especially non-verbal cues from the client, to cause changes. It's not just talk therapy; it's the relationship that makes a difference.
My T is attuned to my non-verbal cues and we discuss how I feel in the present moment in the therapy room with her. The relationship itself builds up my self-worth. It's in the little things, her praise of my artwork, of the cookies I bring her, the way I'm coping with my life now. It's a process. I don't think I'm explaining it very well. It's something I experience with my T, kind of like re-parenting. I think that would be beneficial to you, but it doesn't seem like your T works that way. He should be making you feel better about yourself, not causing you to feel shame. The goal is for your relationship with your T to be different from the one you had with your parents, not the same.
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