I understand this completely.

When my university therapist said "I love you" I had an actual breakdown. It was just a couple of weeks before Christmas, and when it finally actually sunk in that she'd said it, I became so depressed that I lost my sh****t for a while. Before that she'd just said things like, "I love that about you" or "what's not to love about you?" which just isn't the same, somehow.

I think she tried to bring it up in the session two weeks later (the one between had to be a phone session because she had car problems and couldn't come in as she lives like an hour away), which was the one just before the Christmas break. I kind of put a stop to it by steering the conversation in a different direction, because I wasn't ready, so we didn't talk about it until after the break. Over the break, because I lost my mind and didn't know what to do with myself, I tried to quit twice via email because I desperately wanted to put a stop to the whole thing. I was terrified by the whole idea of this "love" that seemed sort of impossible.

Of course I also love her, but I was never ever going to say it, because it does feel wrong, and it still scares me. But I've processed it, and it feels bearable now. We've also spent a couple of sessions talking about it; she said it just slipped out, and that after she said it she was a bit worried that it had been too abrupt. We'd had a difficult session, and at the end of it I asked her if she wanted a hug, because she looked like she did, and it was our first hug (you know, fear of intimacy). It slipped out while we hugged, and when we talked about it recently she described it as "a moment of love" (because of course I continue to question it, hah).

She has repeatedly confirmed that she loves me, though, despite how much I have challenged her. There's a part of me that needs it, but there is also a part of me that really doesn't want it because it's so scary. One day she'll leave me, and it won't be very problematic for her because it's her job, but for me the mere thought of never seeing her again tears me apart. It feels very uneven. I feel powerless.

I think her love has been healing, but if the cynic in me could choose I would not want to love a therapist.