So here I am STILL trying to figure out what the hell is actually wrong with me if anything at all.

Pdocs don't agree, first said bipolar 2, second says anxiety, psych nurses say bipolar 2 & anxiety, & my GP has wiped his hands of me, I assume I'm in the too hard basket for now. I want answers, I understand that it's just a label but it directs my care & they seem to be selecting opposite routes of attack. Those that say bipolar say SSRI/SNRIs shouldn't be used as I had a significant worsening of agitated symptoms when taking them (regardless of the literature saying the rate of switching on SSRI/SNRIs is negligible so maybe I'm just having an adverse reaction not necessarily "switching.") Their argument was that SSRI/SNRIs actually increased my suicide risk & impulsivity, I have to say I agree. After having been given this information however, my current pdoc decided to put me up to a 40mg dose of Prozac to try to combat anxiety with no mood stabiliser when I did respond to 20mg Prozac for a depressive episode ( I had taken myself off my original pdocs rx of lithium due to physical side effects prior to this.) Then came all the reactive moods & impulsivity with an eventual return to depression. I have real concerns that my current pdoc is worsening my condition by ignoring the potential bipolar aspect to the obvious anxiety I have.

I tried stelazine for the anxiety & it seemed to reduce some of the undirected drive/restless energy I have but little else so I stopped that & now I'm not really taking anything but stelazine prn. Zyprexa helped during a period of heightened anger/agitation but I don't have any left, fairly sure it helped simply by making me sleep through it.

I haven't found that wonder drug for me yet, I doubt I will, I need a change of perspective that is lasting instead. I doubt all their dx, I wonder if it's all made up in my head, that everyone feels like I do they just deal with it better & Im simply a whiny ***** who can't deal with the world using mental health issues as an excuse.

I'm sure I've written this all before but have made minimal progress in 18months of treatment. Talk therapy is a waste of my time & makes me feel worse without dealing with any of the actual problems.

I asked my therapist/psych nurse about this being more a personality/temperament thing. He said he believes I have an illness (likely bipolar 2 & anxiety) & that he absolutely doesn't believe I have a personality disorder. I don't know, I question borderline traits, not the actual disorder. I have the typical unstable sense of identity, mood reactivity & lability, rapid mood changes that last shorter periods of time (probably closer to cyclothymia than borderline though, they usually last at least a few days.) I maintain perfectly good relationships though, (this may not have been true when I was using meth.) So add substance abuse, periods of self harm & disordered eating to the whole situation (appetite fluctuations relating to mood are probably more likely than an actual disorder.) I'm not looking for a PD dx, I'm just scared were treating this all the wrong way when I infact need therapy (DBT/CBT) as a primary treatment.