thank you for replying. well, I would like to go to a therapist again but i was unemployed for 3 months and fell behind on bills. now that I finally got back on my feet I have to catch up. somewhere in between those relationships I did see a therapist and i touched on the issue but he left the clinic.

I guess in the last one it just happened. we started as friends for a month and it developed. the guy was really outstanding and caring but he was so stringent. he kind of had an army/cop mentality in the sense that he was very straight and arrow- organized, sought 100% correction in things. so, if I left the toothpaste cap open, or didn't clean after myself when I ate, or moved his stuff around.. it would turn into a moralistic issue. he said I disrespected him for doing that. among other things however he said I was careless with his feelings bc of that and the fact that i would hold things in and pretend thing were fine until I just let it out. I guess I was trying to be respectful and tried not to do those things, I said it shouldn't be a big deal to the point of argument... but it took a toll on me . I felt like I was being treated like a child , I couldn't figure out what stuff I was doing wrong until he called me out on it. I argued back one day, and ot went downhill. I called it defending myself he called it fighting against him and disrespecting him, it all happened in 3 months.

in the first month his friend died of cancer, in the same month and the next i studied and took the state law licensure exam (18 hours of testing) which was one of the most stressful things I've ever done. the last month...I had a bad time finding a job, he also couldn't find a job and at the end didn't know what to do in terms of career/job finding. but by that time we were both just stressed and tired, admitedly I fought he fought. we broke up once and he said he was just tired of my attitude and that he was in a rut and that I made him feel depressed. but he came back the day after and said he wanted to try.. after that he got annoyed because I texted or called at the wrong time, I didn't know it was a rule until after I broke it. everything i did he seemed to hate. and I couldn't reconcile his decision to work things out and how deeply irritated and distant he became in the past 3 weeks.

2 weeks ago my ex-boss's son was turned over to (he ended up passing last Thursday) hospice and it affected me, I knew his son a bit and I opened up about my father passing and, cried, it just came out right before bed I told him. he said in an irritated way he was trying to sleep. It hurt me, that he did that. but in an effort not to make him mad I said nothing. in that time, if I tried to talk to him about what bothered me that he said or did, in a calm rational way.. he'd turn it around and say that I was selfish and that I was just making it about him and what he does wrong, that I couldn't admit what I had done wrong. well, a week after I told him. We were arguing about me being selfish .. After I claimed that he sets up these high standards no one else can meet bc he's afraid of getting hurt. he claimed that it was healthy to do so bc he wasn't going to have people that lacked quality around.. I said

one thing after another and I called him out about what he said when I talked about my dad and cried for him to just say.. you know I told I was trying to sleep, you knew this. I said I wouldn't ever do that to him . he said I shouldn't have pretended to be ok at the time he made the remark, and that I was selfish for holding it in & and that I should have known better than to talk about those things when he said he was tired before.

well, I said if he wanted to talk about his friend passing I would never say what he said and that.. he got up, didn't say a word and left. I texted him and called no reply. he said he was done. I begged, he said he needed real space and that maybe in a few days we could talk.. didn't hear from him.. so I emailed, , he replied, said he hit his limit with me and that I continued to say and do things after he told me not to, I disrespected him. I offered couple therapy. his reply: if you went to therapy it wouldn't work bc if you wanted it to work then we would have resolved these issues by now. and that was it.

I doubt he ever would have reached out in his own.. it was for me to figure out and contact him.

I know I need time to figure myself out, i am totally at fault here I guess. it just hurts. I run what happened in my head over and over but I know I should stop. it's an internal battle. it's one bad relationship after another. I'm tired falling down, but at the same time I just want to find love and happiness. I guess I have to give myself space.